The World is Flat – An Anti-High Heel Manifesto

By Sherrie Gulmahamad on July 15th, 2009

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Listen! I am not made of stone. I have a soul.  I have fashion sense.  Don’t mock me before you hear me out.

I often have seen affluent, leggy women walking in Los Angeles, and the tell-tale red sole of their high high high heels always catches my eye.  That magical name: Louboutin.  But alas, our love will never be, as I have renounced most high heel usage (also, I don’t have $989 for zapatos).  And why?

1) They’re pretty dang bad for you!  High heels cause problems for your feet, ankles, knees, hips, back – basically all your most lovely breakable crackable sprainable essential joints.

2) When the zombie invasions* begin, the women in teetering around high heels will be the first to go.

*see also: robot/human wars, 2012 Apocalypse, potential North Korean firestorms, etc.

I await the flood of comments telling me how high heels make one feel sexy and feminine. Well, I’m sorry. There’s nothing sexy and feminine about falling on your face in front of *hot celebrity actor of your choice here, mine is Jason Statham* or being so incapacitated by one’s shoes that you spend an entire party sitting on a lonely sofa.  Hell, at least during the work week I won’t wear heels. Why weep one’s way to the copying machine when you can slouch over there in cute little flats? (No slouching, says mother.)  Here’s a nice sampling of some flats that will have those little toes of yours breathing a sigh of relief.

The Nutty Librarian

- from Marc by Marc Jacobs

I know most of you are going say “ugggleeee” to these shoes but I think they’re darn cute. I feel like in these shoes you will become that nutty girl at work, the one that could do anything at any moment, like kick a guy on the shins with her shoes that have a little pom-pom on them.  Embrace your inner screwball heroine, ladies.

The Next Preppy Must-Have

A while back the New York Times posted a photo of a young lady in shorts and a t-shirt wearing these comfortable saddle shoes, her stainless steel refillable water bottle nearby, a knowing little smile on her face.  This young lady clearly has her easy-going chic style down PAT. Imagine wearing them with black tights and some kind of flouncey skirt in the fall.   These puppies can go any way. It’s vintage! It’s prep! It’s vintage prep!

Tron Shoes

I don’t know what to say here except I always loved Tron as a young lass and now I can have shoes that will remind me of that movie forever.

Frenchy Skimmer

You know what these shoes say? “Take me for a boat ride, Laurent. We are in love. It is summertime.”

60s Stewardess

Airlines are too busy taking your pillow and peanuts away from you to address fashion stylings for their stewards & stewardesses. But back in the day, stewardesses were the sexy hostesses of the air.  Look at these puppies in the light blue. All you need now is a cute little suit and a pillbox hat and you’ll have Don Draper chasing you around trying to slap you on the ass. (Pre-feminist of me, I know – but Jon Hamm!) In black, these make nice little work shoes.

Jellies…all grown up?

I had to feature these because they boggle my mind. Cute? Not cute? Stupid? No, grow up? COMFY? Perfect for summer, a great anti-dote to the flip flop? I don’t know, give me some feedback!  They’re Stuart Weitzman, and he’s usually a very classy shoe guy.

How could you not talk about gladiators?

Jeeze, you girls and your gladiator sandals? What hell hath Lindsay Lohan wrought upon the world? Don’t they give your feet funny tan lines? They make my feet look wider than they already are too!  But LOOK. I found you a pair. They’re green.  Try something new.  Everyone has bronze & gold & silver gladiators? But not even Spartacus himself had GREEN ones. Am I challenging you to wear crazy green shoes?  Well yes, I did it twice in this blog post, didn’t you notice.  *winky emoticon here*

(Photo By: Irina)