Lord only knows being a douchebag isn’t a seasonal occurrence. It’s not like we see less of them during the frosty winter months, although in the springtime they are known to migrate as far south as Myrtle Beach and as far west as Lake Havasu for their primitive spiky-haired sordid mating rituals.  But something about this summer has created a near perfect storm of primo douchebaggery at a national celebutard level. Come, journey with me while we peer through the infernal looking glass and examine these disturbing occurrences of recent douchebag maneuvers and strategies.

1.  Clothier to Douche-kind, Promo/Mourns for MJ

Shortly after Michael Jackson’s passing, Christian Audigier covered his Melrose Avenue storefront windows with huge images of himself and the aforementioned King of Pop, along with the words “Forever in Our Hearts”.  Sure, they were friends and did business together – but it’s clearly tasteless to include a photo of himself in the tribute.  It’s a bit like going to a wedding and wanting to look better than the bride? Hmph.

2. John Mayer, the Kenny G of his Generation

I know this guy has plenty of fans but there is also a sizable contingent of us more sensitive human beings who cringe at the mere whispered mention of this musical douchebag. For this second group of people, the only consolation in Mayer’s performance at the Michael Jackson Memorial Tribute was you went quickly from “feeling rather sniffly about the King of Pop and wondering where Emanuel Lewis is” to “good GOD! why are my bowels cramping?!” in less than 5 seconds. Aside: Did Mayer even know MJ all that well? Why did we get John Mayer but not Diana Ross?  The gods of music did frown upon us on that day.

3. Crazy people give TV-DB Ryan Seacrest $45 million!

Earlier this month the production company behind American Idol had a chance to renegotiate Seacrest’s contract for his sterling hosting duties. I don’t know how much rohypnol was in the Starbucks served at those meetings but these people thought Seacrest was worth $15 mil a season for 3 more seasons. Did I miss something? Is Seacrest’s “persona” such a part of this show that AI-addicts would literally stop watching if he wasn’t there? It makes no sense. Soylent Seacrest is made of people!

4. Jon Gosselin Supernovas to an Intergalactic Level of D’ Baggerie

Look at Papa Dewsh chillaxing with his new tawdry 22 year old ladylove in CANNES, France of all places, his t-shirt hiked up to show all us ladies a queasy slice of what Kate once loved but now loves to hate.  Cheap reality show fame has torn this family apart and devolved this father of eight into a slimey walking booger of a man wrapped in a new Ed Hardy hoodie.

5. Football Quarterdouche Dumps Ashley Simpson’s Older Sister on her 29th Birthday

Aw, come on! If she was one of your friends, and not some gratingly bad actress slash booed country singer slash shoe designer, you’re really feel bad for her being on the receiving end of such callous treatment.  Well, maybe Tony Romo thought it was for the best!  He knew that initially she’d feel terrible , but then on her birthday, she’d tear it up and let loose and have 6 or 7 raspberry melon vodka moji-tinis and a bump or two in the bathroom!  Yeah!  That’s what he wanted for her.  That, and to run far far away.

Douchebags are doing so well this year: landing millions of bucks and primo promo opportunities, bucking unwanted spouses and girlfriends, and even gracing the same stage as Stevie Wonder. What other great things will DBs accomplish this year?  Feel free to postulate in the comments.