Love Or The Hook Up? I’m Undecided.

By Amelie DeNovelis on October 8th, 2009

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Well, after my first one-night stand, and after running in to him and getting little more than a hello and a head nod, I’ve been feeling slightly more introspective than usual. I mean, I’m always up for a little self-analysis, but I just can’t get out of my head lately.

I keep telling myself that I don’t need and don’t want a real relationship. I keep telling myself that being single is the life for me. Honestly, though, I’m tired. I’ve been going out almost every night and showing up for work slightly hungover. But why am I hitting the bars all the time and partying like it’s 1999 if I don’t want a significant other?

Walking in to my empty house, where my ex and I lived together for 8 years, isn’t getting much easier. Granted, I was miserable toward the end of my marriage, but when it’s late and I’m tired, I’d love nothing more than to be able to curl up with him again and have him play with my hair while I laid my head on his lap and drifted off to sleep. It’s tempting to just give him a call, have him come over for a movie, and see where things go. But I won’t do that. I know better.

When Wednesday night rolled around, I was faced with my usual dilemma. I was home alone and got a call from some friends who wanted to meet out for drinks. I hushed the part of me that wanted to curl up in my comfy clothes and go to bed and decided to head out. When I got to the bar, I ran in to one of my closest friend’s ex-boyfriends. He broke her heart, I helped her through the break up, and he has always been in the back of my mind. I know, I know, don’t cross that line. I get it.

Anyway, my girlfriends and I ended up joining John’s table. He and I spent our time at the bar swinging back Jameson on the rocks and talking about our exes. I found myself totally immersed in his blue eyes – cheesy I know, but he looked totally hot. Sometime around midnight, we started to sit a little closer, legs touching, flirting a little more. One of my guy friends, Derek, was giving me that look that said, “Don’t you dare…” but I wasn’t going to pay any attention.

Hands

I had five hours until having to wake up for work, and I was sober enough to know it was time to head home. I told John I had a great time hanging out but had to head home. He walked me out to my car and we shared a quick but passionate kiss by my door. I pulled away and told him it just wasn’t a good idea for us to get involved since I was friends with his ex. He agreed, but I wish he didn’t. I hopped in my car and made the drive back to my house – where I would go to bed alone again.

I found myself thinking of John, the kiss, and his ex. If we both liked each other and we are both single, what’s the problem? Maybe he and I could have a future together. Or maybe some things are better left unknown.