My best friend Al and I just walked into our local haunt for our monthly catch-up over drinks. I look over the crowd to see if anyone will catch my eye. The bar is busy tonight, especially for a Sunday night, and right as I’m about to bare my soul over my latest work drama, I see Al drooling over the new flavor of the week that’s tending the bar.
I don’t get how men can continuously fall for the overplayed tough bartender chick routine, but at the same time, I get hit with a pang of jealousy that she knows how to work the crowd. Al continues to fall under her spell and I see his walk change to a swagger, his grin become more mischievous. He’s trying hard to play it cool and exude just enough charm … I know, I know ladies, we do it to. Except we usually try to be more coy.
I finally get my Hoegaarden in hand and walk away to find seats. Al does his thing and then joins me at the table. He’s sporting a huge smile, which turns into a sly chuckle.
ME: “What is it?”
AL: “Aww … Nothing, just a guy thing.”
(Comments like that really irk me as I usually break out with the femme speak, “You’ve got to be f-ing kidding me, right?” or something of the sort.)
ME: “Don’t give me that bullshit copout,”
AL: “Fine Saffy, you asked for it,” he clears his throat as though he is going to say something remarkable, “I was picturing what she would look like if she was having an orgasm … it’s what I do.”
I can’t help but let out an awkward laugh as I repeat what he says, probably too loudly.
ME: “You’re joking right?”
AL: “No, I see someone attractive or somewhat attractive and I picture them at that amazing breaking moment,”
I am feeling a bit violated for all the women in the bar and myself, briefly. And now I’m intrigued. I ask him to elaborate and explain to me why.
He goes on to tell me that it’s like picturing people naked to ease the tension. I never do that. I never picture people in vulnerable moments in my mind as I’m talking to them in person. I’m more of a live in the moment type, I guess. He tells me to try it.
ME: “Uhmm, no way, no how, no thank you”
AL: “Just try it.”
I giggle at the next couple of guys that walk by, but I’m still reluctant to try it. Fine, I’ll commit. I try really hard whilst wincing a bit and squirming on my bar stool. Whatever, it wont work, it’s not sexy, I feel (and look) like a weirdo.
“Forget it friend, you’re on your own.”
But is he? Is this how all men think? Is this the first thing my date last night thought of when he picked me up? I mean I know men think about sex all the time (and so do most women I know too btw), but it’s just a bit too perverse.
I break out my mobile and ring another close guy friend of mine, just to see his response. He picks up, but there’s so much commotion behind him, he’s shouting something about being at the art walk and heading to quieter ground.
ME: “Okay, I can hear you now. I need to ask you something quickly.” So I ask Michael my question and he responds faster and more honestly than I’m ready for.
Michael: “Oh yeah, I’ve totally already fantasized about five women that have walked by in the last three minutes love.”
Great.
I hang up and call Janey, my single gal pal. She tells me she fantasizes too! About the guy and her kissing, or hanging out at the park, or holding hands. OMG. I make up my mind to continue to ask the next hundred people I meet what their first impressions are. I still don’t want to believe that all men are the same.
ahh shit, you nailed it. you found out our super-secret male code. fuck. we’re all alike after all.
may have to beat the shit out of that Al dude now, givin’ up the code so easy and all. fuck. well, after i fantasize orgasms about all these women, as i’m always constantly doing. i mean, i can’t even get five feet without orgasms exploding all over my face.
the life of a man … it’s rough (just how we all like it, every last one of us).
pete, what is your first impression then? Enlighten us please.
first impression? runs the gamut, like i’m sure it does most people. when it comes to females, my first impressions are typically one of the following: nice, friendly, pretty, smart, funny, sexy, got a cool shirt, got a nice ass, interesting name, bad style, bad breath, nice eyes, rude, annoying, etc. etc.
personally i think it’s a bit of a creep move to imagine every girl i meet orgasming, and it makes me question what kind of dudes this blogger is hanging around with. sounds like a bunch of perverts. and, hey, maybe that’s her thing. whatever
but if it’s not her thing, she should try and find new guy friends, not try and pigeon hole every guy on the planet as some sex-crazed-orgasmo-freak
not that there’s anything wrong with that. people have preferences.
Sure is a little creepy to imagine every woman you see in the throes of a climax! I was a little shocked to read that, actually… But now I am resolved to ask my hetero male friends if this is something they consider on first impressions. Personally, I check out a dude’s shoes first. Also: I don’t want to picture a guy’s OHface right off the bat – so seldom do men make sexy OHfaces!
Don’t you all have friends that you related to completely in your adolescence, but who have changed over time, but you still admire your friendships because it’s lasted … even with all your differences?
Al is one of those friends for me. I rarely agree with anything he says, but he never seizes to entertain and enlighten me with his theories and mantras. (even if they are a bit ridiculous at times)
Obviously there will be exceptions to every stereotype and classification, I was not pigeon-holing men as a whole, just sharing some insight into one of many entertaining conversations with a friend. More to come soon!