I have a few disclaimers. I haven’t made it through any of the Saw movies. I couldn’t make it through Audition. The whole concept of “perpetually relentless and angry Japanese ghosts” in my house freaks me out really bad (Ringu, The Grudge, etc.).  So MAYBE, if you are a hardcore horror movie fan, you’re gonna find my list a little bit on the WUSSY side.  That’s what the comments box is for, my lovelies! Let me know what I left out.

I wanted to pick movies where the WOMEN weren’t simply being chased around by a knife wielding psychopath. There’s much more to life than screaming and falling.

Sometimes, you can stab back.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Zach Synder has been much maligned, with 300 and the Watchmen being highly-anticipated and then consequently highly-panned. But before he made those big budget stinkeroos he embarked upon this remake of the beloved George Romero zombie movie, starring Sarah Polley.  And just that casting decision alone seems to elevate the material beyond just a splatter-fest with anti-materialism overtones. Polley remains fairly collected as the planet quickly disintegrates around her and those big, calm eyes of hers serve as our anchors in what could have been a plain old remake.

The Ginger Snaps

series (1-3)

Long before this twitarded wave of Twilight washed over us like some kind of…wussy wave with its battling vampires and werewolves, we had the Ginger Snaps lycanthropic horror series.  They’ve made 3 of them thus far, the first two featuring the same set of sisters, and a third movie that was a horror period piece.  These are atmospheric and low budget Canadian features, and pretty damn good if you’re sick of slick Hollywood gorefests.

The Descent

This movie is effed up. It will make you never want to think about doing any kind of spelunking ever again.  A group of women, some of which have secrets to hide from each other, decide the best way to bond would be via doing some light cave exploration, which quickly turns into a gory massacre when they come across blood-thirsty creatures living deep beneath the surface.  There are some pick-ax accidents.  It is worth noting that an all-female cast is extremely rare in the horror world, so sisters, represent!  Rent this and close your eyes during the freaky parts.

The Entire Aliens Franchise

(1-4) (except the Alien Vs. Predator ones!)

This scared the living crap out of me as a child, but the sight of Sigourney Weaver kicking so much ass has lingered with me ever since.  I guess if you can’t sit through this, at least watch the parody segment inside of Spaceballs. Man, don’t be so chicken (even though Spaceballs mildly holds up in this day and age).

Carrie

I hope to Jeebus you’ve seen this by now, because if not, you’re missing out on the millions of references Carrie generates that appear in so many spoofs, satires, sketch shows, etc.  Carrie is kind of the reason I’ve never been into a lot of other teen dramas. Carrie quite accurately depicts how terrible and bitchy girls can be in the high school years, and yet, no other teen dramas depict telekinetic payback as being so…satisfying.  Rent this one, so you can start referring to things as a being as “terrible as a bucket of blood on prom night”.

Resident Evil

(1-3)

Come on. Do I have to sell you on this?  Milla Jovovich killing zombies caused by a virus. Rent them all!  Another horror trilogy featuring a strong female lead.  Lots of zombie death kills.  Good stuff.

Suspiria

I’m guessing most of you non-horror people *maybe* remember that moment in Juno when she’s bonding with the man who will become the adopted father of her unborn child. “Dario Argento is the master of horror,” Juno intones authoritatively. She most definitely was talking about Suspiria, an Italian horror film set in a dance school, populated a coven of seriously evil witches.  It’s one of the few horror films that you can actually call “beautiful”; it’s got a scary, modernist score, and some seriously messed up stuff happens in this movie, pre-dating the entire torture porn genre. If you are going to watch one movie off this list, make it this one.

Rosemary’s Baby

Not gory, not a lot of startling or big scares…just an impending sense of doom coming through the walls of a New York loft, inhabited by a good-looking young newlywed couple (Mia Farrow and John Cassavetes).  They move in and get to know the neighbors, seemingly harmless old folks (lead by the great Ruth Gordon of Harold & Maude fame). I don’t want to give too much away, especially since this movie is a bit of a slow burn (meaning it will get to you in the end). It definitely has one of the most bone-chilling childbirth nightmare scenes of all time. I’m not saying you see placenta or anything, but…the father of THIS BABY is a bit more demanding than most.

The Bad Seed

Chances are you’ve seen Children of the Corn - maybe you even saw one of the next 6 sequels to it (yeesh), but have you seen the horror classic The Bad Seed? It has the *original* scary little girl in it, Rhoda, whose sociopath tendencies leave bodies in her wake should she not get something she wants. This one has no gore, but lots of unintentional campy laughs. You can certainly make it through this. It might teach you something about dealing with crazy little murderous kids too (like to just stay the bleep away from them).

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Not technically a horror movie, but this flick is definitely a classic of psychological horror AND grand diva acting. Bette Davis plays Baby Jane Hudson, a former child vaudeville star who eventually becomes overshadowed by her sister Blanche, also an actress, played by Joan Crawford. Crawford and Davis famously never got along in real life, so this movie also serves as a rich palette of freaky hilarious bitchery. It’s also a supremo mindf***, as you keep hoping and hoping that Baby Jane doesn’t go full tilt nutso on her wheelchair-ridden sister. A great horror movie for sisters to watch together (along with De Palma’s Sisters) – especially if you loathe each other!  Maybe save a viewing for when the family’s all together at Christmas?