Recently Aaron Ben-Zeév, a professor of philosophy and author of In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims wrote a thought-provoking essay on the duality of the imaginary and the real, in terms of desire.
His musings spelled out the formula for making yourself a grade-A muse, fit to join the pantheon of mysterious enchantresses inhabited by Mata Hari, June Mansfield, and Greta Garbo. Here, I break it all down into five easy steps.
1. Manifest
Make yourself known and introduce the wonderland of your pleasures to the collective consciousness–as gradually as possible. Going too fast can be alienating. You want your sensuality to wander into people’s heads and dreams like a cat saunters into their house through an open window. Like it’s its house. Like it was always there.
Do not be a tidal wave. Repeat after me: do not be a tidal wave. Learn to seep into their minds.
2. Be scarce
There are good reasons for making yourself scarce. One, you want people to project their ideas on to you at their leisure. Excessive exposure can lead to people knowing too much and knowledge is the enemy of fantasy. Two, always being around tends to lead to people taking you for granted. You must never be taken for granted. Your presence is a gift. Believe this and execute appropriately.
3. Be discerning
Being sensual and being slutty are very different things. Running around with everyone who pays attention to you and excessively publicizing your former lovers doesn’t make you more desired, it makes you appear attainable. Share your desires, not your black book. Be selective to the point of being draconian about who you take to bed. And watch that wardrobe. Clothes can suggest availability even when you don’t–as can being surrounded by a group of men who appear to be too close to you.
4. Be more
Don’t just be sexy, have something else that you’re putting out there, like your work or hobbies or talent. Appeal is as much about desire as it is about respect for your talent. Think about the courtesans and geishas. They weren’t just sensual women–they were gifted, intelligent women, able to converse and entertain their admirers with their musical, artistic and literary talents.
5. Balance
When the appropriate individual comes around, be approachable. Bring the altar down. Not all the way, but enough so he or she can kiss your feet. Be careful about letting them up there with you. You know what knowledge and spending time together does to the great Mystery of the Desired: it kills it.
Do all this and you will be the most desired woman in the room. You’ll be eternally alone, of course, because no one must ever get close enough if you’re to continue being that woman, but at least you’ll be desired. You may even forget who you really are. But hey, like I said, you’ll be desired.
Makes me think of something David Thomson said in an essay about Greta Garbo, the ultimate muse: “She must be no one in herself if she is to signify so much to so many others.”
Truer words were never spoken.
This is a really interesting article, AV. When I first saw the link, I was captivated by the title, wondering how popular the article would be with a title like that. Your analysis of Ben-Zeév’s essay is incredibly restrained. It seems like it hit something personal within you. You reveal only the most subtle bitterness. In only a few words, you acknowledge the tragedy of The Woman who contains the mystery of desire- that she must remain suspended in ambiguity, the poles of which are fantasy and reality. In effect, she may be the most desired, but is it only desire that women want? Is it not love, as well? It seems like, given your discussion on it, that desire without love or any kind of human softness is one that amputates our ability to truly be with each other. This article, particularly because of its restraint, was really provocative to me. I feel there is more to be said on this topic.
Do you, by chance, have a link to the original essay? I’d be interested in reading it, especially after having read the article you posted about it on Sex and the 405.