The Smart Girl’s Guide to Drinking Like a Classy Broad
It’s long been a part of the manly man’s manifesto that a real gentleman should be able to hold his liquor. I think we womenfolk should adopt that credo too. I’ve long been embarrassed by displays of out-of-control female intoxication on college campuses and in bar parking lots across this fine country of ours. That level of inebriation is not only extremely unhealthy (the long-term effects of alcohol are scary), but you also look terribly un-ladylike puking down the front of your dress — or worse yet, the lowest of the low, puking into your own purse (please, don’t do this). You may have heard these tips before, but it doesn’t hurt to have a refresher. Go on, be the last girl standing! While the rest of the chicas are battling the spins, you’ll be on your feet, working a decent buzz, and playing darts with the boys. Not a bad place to be.
1. Eat a big meal before you drink
Sure, you might be breaking your diet with that hefty club sandwich, but a meal in the stomach before drinking will at least slow the absorption of alcohol into your blood stream, so you won’t get drunk ASAP. If you eat something substantial before hitting the bars, you might also feel full enough to not want to drink to excess anyhow. Either way, don’t think that having that slice of pizza before downing five beers is going to help you pass that Breathalizer test. I promised I’d help you not puke, not cheat the cops! So no drinking and driving, okay.
2. Pace yourself & enjoy yourself
Drink a glass of water for every beverage consumed so you stay nice and hydrated — this will help with your hangover the next day too. Don’t rush to start a new drink. Savor, sip. Have a conversation. Flirt with the bartender. Chugging and drinking contests are for the Girls Gone Wild set, you’re a sophisticate! You think Dorothy Parker used to stand on the bar, her bra strap showing, screaming incoherently about jello shots? No. She did NOT do that.
3. Skip the rum and coke…
But try a rum and pineapple juice? Carbonated beverages help speed alcohol into your blood stream faster.
4. Don’t toke and choke!
Something about adding a spliff into this boozy equation just don’t sit right. I’ve seen it happen at enough rock festivals to know that if you’re drunk already, that one extra hit of mary jane is going to send you right over the edge. Oh, and guess what, you might be murdering your brain cells even faster than you were while you were just drinking! Great!
5. Don’t mix
That whole thing about “liquor before beer, you’re in the clear” has always sounded like insane bullshit to me. Don’t mix at all, why chance it? It sounds incredibly stupid to have two beers, a glass of wine, a vodka cran, and a whiskey sour all in one night! Be less schizophrenic for the sake of not barfing onto somebody’s shoes.
6. Pay attention
I mean this in two different ways: 1) Pay attention to the last time you puked. How much did you drink? What did you drink? Was it Jagermeister? Was it half a pitcher of margaritas? How big were those margarita glasses? Did you puke? Okay, don’t do that ever again. And 2) pay attention to how much you’ve been drinking. When someone’s arrived at the bar late, and they’re trying to buy you one last drink, ask yourself, do you even know how many you’ve had already? If you can’t remember, then it’s time to stop drinking.
7. Don’t drink to impress
If you find yourself drinking heavily to keep up with a potential mate, or doing shots to grab his eye, then you are most definitely not chasing the right men. I said in my opening statement that standing on your own two feet at the end of the night should be impressive enough to the opposite sex. A man should be taken with your sense of humor, your flashing eyes, and sense of style, not your ability to drink more Southern Comfort than anyone else in the bar. The only man who ever looked for a woman like that was probably Charles Bukowski, and you know what, he’s dead! Harsh.