So, John and I have been spending a lot of time together lately–and against the advice of my therapist.
Yes, therapist. I feel like I’ve gone through some sort of mid-life crisis after the divorce and I felt like it would be good to seek a professional’s advice. Especially with regard to why I’m engaging in some self-destructive behavior–drinking too much and whoring it up too much. She advised me that it was too soon to go in to a serious relationship. She also said I should spend more time on my own and time writing in a journal. Well, at least I’m kind of doing the second part right now. That’s about all the advice I’ve followed.
John and I have spent a lot of nights together being domestic. In the past few weeks, he’s been over nearly every day after work. We even play house; cooking together, washing dishes together, and sleeping together. As such, he’s spent the night almost every night. It feels so good to have someone in my bed again.
Last week we ate dinner at my house and I fell asleep on his lap while we watched a movie. I haven’t felt so relaxed and taken care of since a year or more before I got divorced. When he woke me up to go to bed, I accidentally called him Tony (my ex-husband’s name). I was in a haze of sleep and his name was the first thing out of my mouth. John let it go and said he completely understood, but it freaked me out.
We went to bed together, but I just tossed and turned most of the night. When it was time for both of us to leave for work, I gave John a quick peck and said good bye. And I meant it. I’m feeling smothered. It’s just too soon for me to be playing house again. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I just moved in with a new “husband” right after having just left my last one.
The only problem is that I’m running out of excuses with John. I keep telling him I’m too tired for company, or that I’ve got a lot of work to do. In reality, I’m just avoiding talking to him. A few days ago he told me he thought he was falling in love with me. I told him then it was too soon for me to commit to a relationship on that level. And I never returned the comment.
I’m falling in love with the thought of having someone around again, but the truth is, I’m not falling in love with John.
Since we aren’t “officially” a couple, I don’t think I need to “officially” break things off either. So for now my plan is to lay low for a while and get used to my own skin. On my own.
I hear you. I know it’s hard to go back to being single when you’re so used to having someone with you. I hope you heal and I hope you find true love. Wishing you all the best.