MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Brings New Meaning to the Word Unwatchable (VIDEO)

By Sherrie Gulmahamad on December 7th, 2009

A few months ago we had the cable shut off in our house. The boyfriend and I made up a lot of pretentious reasons for why we were doing this — “because Werner Herzog doesn’t watch cable!” — but the truth was, we just wanted to cut down on our TV time and maybe spend more time, well, doing just about anything and everything else. So when the head capo of Twirlit, Kat, emailed me to write about MTV’s new reality show “Jersey Shore,” I tried to dodge her. Oooooh, we don’t HAAVE TV anymore. Not an excuse, it’s online. Here’s the complete first episode.

My reaction?

I’m typing this blog post to you, completely blind in both my eyes. Doctors call it “hysterical blindness,” and it’s pretty safe to say I’ll be blind until I undergo some kind of intense hypnotherapy that convinces me I never watched a second of the show.

My god, the sheer level of douchebaggery on display probably makes Christian Audigier horny. Horny for all the money he makes off these tasteless young Americans! To think, we’re waging two wars against tenacious enemies, we face a bottomless recession, climate change, hell, even Tiger Woods’ adultery, and these kids get a TV show on a prominent youth channel? What a wonderful message we send to the world — and to ourselves. Our youth have become magnificent, selfish, hyper-sexualized and materialistic f*ck-ups with nothing meaningful to contribute to anything or anyone.

I think I can boil this down into a equation for you:

A beach house + orange-y tans + push-up bras + douchebag “designer” t-shirts, with swirly silvery streaks on them + muscles + lack of shame + too much makeup + jet skis + general whore-ism + a burning sensation while peeing + lots and lots and LOTS of bragging + lots of unfortunate uses of the word “guido” + ugly tattoos = THE DEATH OF YOUR SOUL

Please look away. Please. Please don’t watch this. PLEASE. “Mad Men” is such a good show, and, yes, I know it’s not on right now, but you could be re-watching it! You could also re-watch “The Wire,” or “The Sopranos,” or every episode of “Sex and the City.” F#CK, you could even be watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and lose less of yourself in the process. 

Please send MTV a message that you too have gone blind, and won’t be watching any more of this terrible freakshow. For your own sake. And the sake of the kids. Doesn’t anyone worry about the kids anymore?