Smell Like You? No Thank You!

By Sherrie Gulmahamad on December 7th, 2009

The day after Thanksgiving I braved the mall with my mother, dodging children potentially carrying the H1N1 on their slimy little mitts along with their shopping-crazed mothers and grandmothers. We dove into Macy’s, past a gauntlet of salesgirls handing out perfume spritzes on paper strips. We admired Marc Jacobs’ newest perfume, whose bottle top sports a large multicolored flower, cooed at the little figurines of the Harajuku Lovers line, and squinted in disbelief at the gaudy packaging of the new Ed Hardy Women scent. And then, my eyes landed upon a rather lonely bottle, sitting off by itself on an un-staffed counter. Paris Hilton by Paris Hilton. At that evil portent, I grabbed my mom and ran out of the perfume department.

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to smell like you, Paris. Or smell like something you think smells good. Aren’t you the same girl with the pink Bentley? Turns out, there are a lot of other celebrities out there, marketing their already annoying public personas into something you can spritz onto the nape of your neck.

Paris isn’t the only one I wouldn’t want to smell like. Here’s my list. I await your calumny in the comments.

1. Paris Hilton by Paris Hilton

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This isn’t Paris’ first venture into the fragrance business. Hell, it turns out it’s not even her newest one, it’s actually her first creation! It just happened to be the one I saw on that Macy’s counter. She might not be much of an actress, singer, or political activist, but she can sleep easy at night on her fluffy little pillow because she’s been*quite successful* designing perfumes with the Parlux line.
What they say it smells like: Apples, peaches, ylang ylang and sandalwood.
But maybe it really smells like: Doug Reinhardt’s douchey embrace, with light notes of lonely Chihuahua

2. Hidden Fantasy by Britney Spears

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You know what, for once, I’m not gonna be mean about Brit. Girl’s been working really hard, she looks better than she did during the bald umbrella-wielding days, her kids have stopped weeping in front of the paparazzi, and it sounds like she has a decent man in her life. But that doesn’t mean I want to douse myself in her perfume, yet another sweet-smelling, fruit-laden celebrity scent bomb. Just like Ms. Hilton, Spears’ perfumes have actually done amazing business. Her first scent, Curious, made $100 million dollars in sales in the first five weeks of its release. Yes. Read it again. $100 million smackers. And to think, K-Fed gets a piece of that.
What they say it smells like: Citrus fruits, verbena, sandalwood, vanilla bean.
But maybe it really smells like: Newly minted greenbacks and the sweat of someone not allowed to eat Cheetos anymore.

3. My Glow by Jennifer Lopez

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Why is it every time most of my contemporaries bring up Jennifer Lopez, they bring up exactly one performance, her work in Soderbergh’s “Out of Sight”? Do you know when that movie was made? 1998. It’s been 11 years since she did anything to garner my personal attention, although rudimentary internet research boggles my mind when I read she’s sold 48 million albums worldwide. Yes, yes, she’s made other movies too. Yes, she’s a happy mother and wife now. Yes, she sings in Spanish. Yes, she fell down recently. I feel a yawn coming on.
What they say it smells like: Freesia, white rose, more sandalwood.
But maybe it really smells like: Someone we should have stopped paying attention to years ago. Oh, and sandalwood.

4. Fancy by Jessica Simpson

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The same folks who churn out Paris’ scent, Parlux, also make Jessica’s. Jessica is the type of girl to say in press releases “This is a special fragrance — personal, whimsical, playful and romantic. To me, Fancy is just that: fancy.” Jessica Simpson is definitely not the type to know that she’s just uttered a profound tautology. Do you think she used to sit around with Tony Romo talking about rhetorical logic?
What they say it smells like: Pear, apricot, vanilla, and you guessed it, sandalwood.
But maybe it really smells like: You know, this time around, I have to show you what the Macy’s website says, because it writes its own punchline: “Inspired by the layers of Jessica Simpson’s award-winning talent, beauty and captivating personality.” Let’s just leave it at that.

5. Kim Kardashian’s upcoming perfume

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Kim’s hoping to have her perfume out by Mother’s Day next year (2010), because nothing says, “Mom, I respect your decisions as my primary female role model,” like a bottle of perfume designed by a reality show TV star, made by the same people who churn out Ed Hardy’s scents. Thanks, Mom, for all your hard work in raising me!
What they say it smells like: Well, it hasn’t been made yet, but I bet it will have sandalwood in it!
But maybe what it really smells like: Dangerous amounts of Quick Trim and lots of weird publicity stunts.

And before you tear me a new one in the comments field, allow me to say this in my defense. I believe in the simple idea that you don’t have to, nor should have to, make purchases that benefit someone you don’t like, or really respect. You can simply spend your money elsewhere. Here’s an idea, give it to someone, or a cause,that you DO respect. Okay, now tear away!