Keeping Love Alive When Life Keeps Happening

By Lisa M on December 18th, 2009

• Share
• Link to StumbleUpon
• 1 Comment

The irony of writing an article about how to keep your relationship on fire on this particular night will not go un-noticed. It is 8:00 p.m., and my partner and I are both in our “comfy clothes” with our laptops open. After putting in 8-10 hours at work each, coming home to make dinner, eating said dinner, then sitting down, we are wiped out. Our day isn’t done yet, though. I’ve got articles to write and he’s got a website to work on. We’ve agreed to one hour of work time, then “our” time to be together and connect.

How do couples make it work? Sitting side-by-side, mentally exhausted from being in a stressful job, I feel like I have little left to give of myself, and yet, he is the most important person for me to give myself to. The solution is one we’ve heard over and over as couples — relationships take work.

Knowing this and putting it in to practice are two different things, though. The days when I’m most exhausted I can’t imagine putting forth any more mental energy or work into anything, let alone a relationship. Following some of these guidelines may help when stress starts to creep in on your otherwise happy and loving relationship.

1. Compartmentalize.

Successful people tend to be good at dividing their life into personal and professional areas. As much as I wish we could all have seamless existences, those of us with extremely stressful jobs can benefit from leaving our work, at work. Choose a mental trigger that takes you out of “work mode” and into “relationship mode.” Spend five minutes of your drive home digesting any part of your day you need to think about and spend the remainder of your drive decompressing. Sing along to your favorite songs or do whatever can to put you in a good mood prior to getting home to your partner. Recognize that when you see them, it’s time to put work aside and spend quality time together.

2. Take a breather.

Literally. Find a quiet place when you get home and go sit. Spend a few minutes practicing stress-relieving techniques. Meditation is where I can find balance in my seemingly hectic life. When I spend a few minutes simply focusing on my breathing, I am able to see this moment for what it is — this present moment. When I can live in the moment and realize that work is in the past, I am better equipped to be a happy and balanced person, thereby making me a better partner. Need help learning how to “Sit Down and Shut Up“? Read Brad Warner’s book by that same title.

3. Make a choice: career or relationship.

If your job is leaving you mentally exhausted and you are unhappy, decide if it’s the best career choice for you. Can you live with less money and a less stressful work environment? If you are unhappy in one area of your life, it will manifest itself in all areas of your life, even in good times. In the event that your career is really the root cause of your stress (take careful inventory to determine if it is work that is causing you undue amounts of stress), it may be time to consider finding something new. Your job is just a job. In the grand scheme of things, it’s how you collect a paycheck which allows you to live in your apartment or house. Your relationships are more important.

4. Stop, Leave, and Let Loose.

Pick a night and let loose. Don’t use the free evening to clean the house, pay bills, or have a serious discussion. The house can be dirty for one more day. Hit the town with your partner doing the things that are most fun to the two of you. Go dance, see a movie, take a hike. Do something to burn off steam and remind you of why you really love spending time with the person you chose.

Making a relationship work is work. And when life is stressful, it takes even more work to nurture and foster the relationships in our life. But life is about our connection to human beings, making the effort we put into our relationship with our partner worth more than the stresses life throws at us. And remember, having a good relationship to come home to makes the other stresses easier to deal with.