Bizzare Beauty Treatments of the Decade

By Melissa Barlow on December 29th, 2009

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Ah, the new millennium…or is it the 00’s? I can’t believe we have had 10 years to give this decade an easier name than “the new millennium” and still haven’t come up with anything. Oh well, I must focus or this post will turn into a rant about modern linguistics.

I was cracking myself up as I was doing research for this post, more specifically all things strange in beauty that have emerged over the last decade. There have been some bizarre treatments to surface and it seemed like beauty pros were coming up with ways to put anything (and I do mean anything) on you face for younger looking skin. My only rule is that if  you have had any of these procedures you MUST tell me about it in the comments! Please, I really want to know!

Nibbling Fish Pedicures

There was actually a nail place by my house that offered this pedicure a few years ago but I could never go through with it, my feet are way to ticklish. The concept is this: Asian imported fish that love to munch on dead skin cells are swimming around in the pedicure tub and nibble away at your calloused heels. Apparently, the fish don’t hurt you but come on, fish pedicures! What if you step on the fish? The fish pedicure has since been banned in 14 states, deemed unsanitary due to the fact that they were reusing the fish on multiple clients.

Blood Sucking Leeches

Demi Moore made all kinds of headlines back in 2008 when she mentioned on Letterman that she had just received an anti-aging treatment in Austria that involved applying leeches to the skin and allowing them to suck all of the toxins out of your blood and into their fat, yucky bodies. She claimed that these were “highly-trained medical leeches” and I know that leeches have been used in medicine since the beginning of time but ewwwwwwwwww! If I ever need a leech attached to me I better have had a lot of drugs first. Oh, just so I can add to your horror a little bit the procedure begins with a full body shave and a nice soak in a tub full of turpentine before the leeches are applied. OMG!

Liquid Detoxing and The Master Cleanse

I know countless people who have done these liquid detox diets and no matter how many times I’ve seen it done I’m still not convinced. I know these are primarily used for weight loss but they also claim to eliminate all of those bad, aging toxins trapped in our bodies as well. Maybe it’s just me but I can’t live on water, lemonade, honey and cayenne powder alone for a week, I need food. Also, wouldn’t upping your green veggie and fiber intake do the same thing? Oh and I have NEVER seen anyone stick with it as long as they said they were going to, they just got too hungry.

Is it disgusting? Let’s put it in a Facial.

All of these treatments have a root in some ancient culture, there was always someone before them who discovered this “secret” ingredient. Today’s facialists are simply rediscovering what their ancestors used for beautiful skin. Well I have news for you: there is a reason why these treatments are no longer used. They are gross: a spa in Hawaii began offering facials that used Nightingale poop. Women are selling their placentas for big bucks to be used on pampered faces worldwide and recently I read that some spas are using products infused with spermine which is an enzyme found in human sperm.

Speaking of Sperm, Bull Semen Hair Treatments

A spa in London is on top of it’s bizarre beauty treatment game offering not only the Nightingale Poop facial but also an intensely moisturizing deep conditioning treatment with the main ingredient being organically reared bull semen. Well, thank goodness it’s organic I just couldn’t cope with regular, ordinary bull semen in my hair. Apparently this treatment leaves your hair looking shiner than ever and as bouncy as a Slinky but….I wonder what it looks like?

Vaginal Rejuvenation and Genital Bleaching

Do I really have to say anything really? Maybe this is more of a trend in my part of the world, Los Angeles’ infamous San Fernando Valley, the world capital of adult entertainment. If you really have nothing better to improve on your body I guess you could bleach your genitals to match the rest of your skin tone but I can’t imagine that it would be a fun process. As for vaginal rejuvenation surgery I can see where it would be a necessary procedure in an extreme medical case but Ladies, our vagina’s are sacred. Do you really want to risk a plastic surgery disaster on your vag?