As the vampire has evolved during the last few centuries, we’ve been provided with enough clues that, when pieced together, we should be able to accurately identify the undead, especially if we’re dating one of them. Unfortunately, love is often blind, so if you’re dating a vampire, you may need a little help unveiling his true nature.
With Valentine’s day right around the corner, you’ll want to plan accordingly. You don’t want to accidentally plan a sunrise picnic on the beach, or feed him garlic shrimp at dinner after all.
Some vampires are said to have supernatural powers. If you feel dazed in his company, he may have you under his spell, or you could just be in love. Research suggests that falling in love is a lot like bipolar disorder, so you can’t exactly rely on that feeling, but if it couples with other recognizable signs he might be a vampire.
When was the last time you saw him during the day? If you’ve been dating for awhile, but have never seen him during daylight hours, this could be an indication of a serious sunlight sensitivity. Now Stephenie Meyer claims vampires sparkle and shine in the sun, but hundreds of other authors and legends suggest that vampires burst into flame in the sun. I’ve seen True Blood, and when Bill tried to save Sookie in season one during daylight hours, he got a little crispy, so chances are, if your guy refuses to go out during daylight hours, he might be a vampire. You can also back up this portion of your theory by walking through his apartment, that is if he doesn’t live in a crypt. Are the windows covered with dark draperies, especially in the bedroom? Are there any windows at all?
Check out his diet habits. Is he adamant about his loathing of garlic? Maybe he passes up dinner a little too regularly, or you’ve never actually seen him eat anything at all. If he stands around at parties with nothing but a glass of red wine, and turns down the appetizer tray, that’s not normal. Most normal men like to eat, and they don’t usually pass up the opportunity to chow down on free snacks or dinner. The excuse of an upset stomach, or him saying he already ate will only work a handful of times, so if he’s persistent about not eating, it’s time to start looking for other signs. You’ll also want to check out the refrigerator in his apartment. If it’s bare, save for a few plasma bags from the local blood bank, he’s probably a vampire.
Analyze his wardrobe. If he has an old-world sense of fashion or even a fondness for butterfly collars and bell-bottoms, it may be that he is still trying to stay connected to his own era. It could also just mean that he needs some guidance and a makeover, so don’t base your discovery on his fashion sense alone. Ask him to stand in front of the mirror with you to try on some new outfits. If he doesn’t cast a reflection he’s a vampire.
There are other, more subtle signs, but do you really want to explain why you’re checking for his pulse while at the movies? Staking him is out of the question as well, because that could get messy, and if you’re wrong, you’ll have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do!
There’s nothing wrong with dating a vampire, unless he’s one of the psychotic breed that’s setting you up for the kill. Plenty of human and vampire relationships last for decades, and hey, if he offers to make you immortal with him this Valentine’s Day, that’s way better than a marriage proposal, right?
are you kidding me? are there no other interesting topics to write about? filling up space for a mindless article is ridiculous
Thanks for the tips!!! You can never be too careful…
I liked this article, and it’s really good. Yay! Mom.
It’s obvious that some people have no sense of humor. Loved the article, Jenny. Keep ‘em coming!
Vampire dating is more common these days than you’d think. there are plenty of emo kiddies out there who need such guidence from articles like these. hehe
We all need a good laugh now & then. Thanks, Jenny!
ok seriously, it’s the guys that need to watch out. it all starts with some normal kissing. then it turns into a bit of nibbling. then it turns into full on biting.
twilight and true blood are making girls go crazy.
Ya know, I have nothing to do with vampires; haven’t read any of the books; and have no intention of seeing the movies. Even *I* can appreciate the post. Sometimes mindless, funny posts are just what we need!
Dear anonymous commenter, please allow me to site your infantile remarks as the closing argument in my thesis titled, “Why Public Flogging Should Be Reinstated.”
Jenny, as always, you entertain. My only problem with your article is now I’ll feel all self conscious about wearing my butterfly collar shirts.
Gonna have to save this article to make sure the girl doesn’t a vampire in the future! Lol fun article.
A valuable guide since so many undead are (understandably) hesitant to reveal themselves. We wouldn’t want to damage our beloved bloodsuckers!
Hilarious, Jenny! And great information if you are a bit unsure…..
lol- with these signs some might think I’m a vampire, but I love garlic too much and unfortunately I can’t avoid trekking out in the daylight.
Some of my best friends would fit that criteria, sad but true. I don’t think their Vampires either, just really nerdy, basement dwelling.. you get the picture. I once met a girl who claimed to be a vampire, sure enough, she had pointed teeth. I ran. Nice article, and worth the laugh all the way.
O that we live in such times where such guides are even necessary. I blame the parents, who can no longer be relied upon to counsel their children in the importance of resisting the wily wiles of the sparkly undead. Yours has been a public services, Ms. Hudock.
P.S. Non illegitimatus & c.
a very great information,hehe..like much..:)
Whew, glad I read this. I would have gone straight for the staking first.
What I find especially amusing is that some of these things are just signs that the guy works 3rd shift. I was accused of vampirism more than once when I was working the graveyard shift at a hotel because I was only ever seen at night and had covered up my bedroom windows so I could sleep during the day.
But Jim, wasn’t the precise reason you chose to work 3rd shift in the first place an attempt to hide your secret from the Uterati?
WOW! This is hilarous! xD