Nearly everyone I talk to about their high school experience has told me it sucked, especially the women. When asked why, nine out of ten of them answered that it was because they hated the way the other girls made them feel. This shocked me. I was never popular in high school, but I was one of those people who fit into the middle and got along with just about everyone. More than fifteen years after high school, hearing some of the popular girls I went to school with talk about how hard it was for them in school blew my mind. It also reminded me of how catty girls can be, which heavily influenced how I raised my own daughter.
I guess it starts before junior high, right around fifth grade when puberty hits, hormones are out of control and we start expressing interest in the opposite sex. Girls can be real bitches. Whether they’re vying for boys, social attention or votes for class president, they often resort to some pretty questionable tactics to come out on top. One of the sad things about this is that it doesn’t change as we get older. Now I’m not saying we all walk around with knives in our hands waiting to stab each other in the back, but past experiences endured during our high school years have got us all on guard.
Now that my daughter is in high school, I overhear chatter about some of the catty tricks that go down at school. Girl X recently tried to steal Girl Y’s boyfriend. Ms. Q stole Ms. T’s brand new Swatch and smashed it in the bathroom — and that stuff is mild compared to some of the craziness that goes on in the girls’ locker room. Before we moved, my own daughter came home in tears on more than one occasion because of the antics of the other girls at school, and getting her out of bed to face her classmates the next day was often a chore.
Since the behavior doesn’t change much as we get older, possibly even worsens because the playing field expands and we’re out battling each other for jobs, men and prestigious positions on the PTA board, I wonder how many of us wake up mornings dreading the very idea of stepping out into the world to face our fellow women. Gossip and bullying, destruction of property and mate poaching, it all sounds like stuff we should have outgrown in high school, but in many cases that’s not the case.
I won’t lie. I’ve been on the inside of the gossip circuit, and I’ve slung my fair share of words to try and make myself look better. Am I proud of that? No way. I often left situations like that with lead in my gut and a sack full of guilt weighing heavy on my conscience. I’m even more ashamed because when reflecting on the behavior not only is it nauseating to think about, I also have a teenage daughter under my influence who might think it’s okay to treat other women that way to make herself feel better.
I’ve never been a huge women’s libber, but I do think that in the face of diversity we are often dealt because of our gender, it’s a sad state of affairs when we tear each other down. It’s our job to teach our daughters to be independent, strong, beautiful, powerful and successful, but not at the expense of other women. Our children are a reflection of who we are, and if we take the first steps toward treating each other better, they will follow our lead. Maybe it won’t bring world peace, and the ratings on America’s Next Top Model will surely plummet, but with all that free time on our hands, imagine all the things we could do.
You absolutely nailed this. Teaching middle school I can tell you it starts very young. And as we age, we women remain our own worst enemies. If we had respect and sisterly loyalty there would be no “other women” and a lot less trash talking.
Right on sister. Trying to teach my girl about treating others right, even if they’re jerks, do the same thing, or (heaven forbid) “deserve it”. So hard. But so vital.
I thing today, it is to me, called some type of bullying or victimizing a single person. It is a universal issue that touches almost every school regardless of age,or gender.
It may start out to be catty as you say among young girls, but can turn ugly very quickly.
It a worry to every parent out there.
We as parents have to really be on our toes to recognize when our daughter or son is a victim of bullying.
This is one of the things that I am worried about with my daughter. She’s only in 3rd grade, but we’ve already heard of some catty behavior from some of the other girls in school. I dread the thought of what comes next.
Being in a college town I come across this a lot. I might be older than most when I go to class but I see it all the time on campus and off. And I really don’t know what to say of it.
It can be really freaking scary sometimes the length of hatred that has come up between two ladies.
But I have also seen some women that take the higher road and ignore the fighting. So I do believe that there is hope out there for this ridiculous behavior to stop.
Great artcile.
Amen on this article. For my most impressionable daughter this started at 4-6 in daycare. One of the prettiest girls in school had become attached to her and kept my daughter like a pet. But whenever she came into her own, wore a pretty dress, attracted attention, this girl would tell her she was ugly, call her names or tear her down. When she wasn’t she was busy trying to addict my daughter too her, keeping her by her side lavishing her with attention.
It became very disturbing and it was a constant onslaught to get my daughter to not follow her around like a puppy dog and to not let her hurt her feelings.
I was so relieved when they were separated in first grade because my daughter had become a passive participant in a group that was mean and catty to the other kids. yes at 4!
Having been tormented in middle school to the point of a near breakdown, I have never tolerated that behaviour. My biggest worry is that since I am so vocal against it that instead of having gone on a different path, she hides it from me.
Look at the songs and movies we have as role models. My kids love Taylor Swift and so do I. But she has a song, You Belong to Me. Every time it comes on I ask why do songwriters have to make the other woman a jerk when they want a man? So it feels acceptable to try and take him. Look at Glee (a show I love by the way, but point this out to my daughters).
How about he belongs to her not because the other girl is a spoiled brat who doesn’t deserve him, but because they just haven’t cross paths in the right way to really make that connect?
How about if we love someone and they have someone else, we don’t have to make that person out to be a B***h. In a world like that there will always be someone out there ready to justify why you are one so they can justify taking/wanting what you have.
Oops now.
oops that was supposed to say end soapbox with html coding for effect, but I guess the blog read it as HTML and made it invisible.
Jenny, you know what I went through in middle school and high school, so this article really hit home. I remember all too well how I felt and how I didn’t want to go to school, how sometimes I wished I was dead just so I could make the pain stop. I hated my life. I hated me for not being good enough. I hated myself for caring what other people thought. My goal as a mom is to make sure my daughter never has to deal with that. My heart breaks at the thought of her feeling that way.
So true Jenny! I think its a lot worse these days with cell phone videos, pics, and facebook. The gossip is all online now..which is probably really hard on these young girls.
Wow, you just made me so glad I have all boys
Seriously though, yeah, high school blew goats. I got picked on a lot because I had really low self-esteem, and never did anything to stand up for myself. I never got into a fight, and don’t know what I would’ve done if I had.
All three of my kids are going to spend some time in martial arts. My hope is that it will make them more disciplined and sure of themselves. Also, if that doesn’t work, they’ll be able to kick ass if they do get in a fight. Then, afterward, they’ll high five whoever they just fought, and end up best friends for life, because that’s how it works with guys
Do they even make Swatches anymore??! Ahh…those were the days. You know, the ones when you were a total nerd if you didn’t have a Swatch watch or the newest INXS cassette! I think you are so right about what women do to hold themselves down as a gender when all that petty stuff takes over. I think today it is even more difficult for young girls to rationalize their emotions and opinions strictly due to the growing number of elementary aged children with cell phones,laptops, facebook accounts, and unsupervised access to the internet. Photo,video,email,and chat evidence all become ammunition to throw at someone just because the wind blew the wrong way and pissed a girl off that week. It’s frightening to imagine what kinds of women the young girls of today are growing into with those leading examples in their lives. I think this is a great article, Jenny.
I also have been a middle school teacher (this year I teach 5th) and bullies are everywhere.
The phenomenon of girl bullying has begun to get a lot more attention in the education field recently. The differences between girl bullying and boy bullying is usually that girl’s bullying in so subtle compared to boy’s – with the boys it is usually physical, fighting and hitting, so it is easy to see. With girls though, yeah, it’s more about words and looks, which can be devastating. And as Christopher said, the bullies are everywhere.