If anyone were to ask me if I trusted my fifteen-year-old daughter, I would say, “Yes, implicitly.”
Usually when I do get asked that question, upon answering I get wide-eyed glares of disbelief, quickly followed by a lecture about all the things my child is probably doing behind my back. How do I know she’s not doing drugs if I don’t snoop through her drawer for evidence? How do I know she’s not having sex if i don’t read her diary? How can I be sure she’s not running around with all the wrong people if I don’t set up surveillance outside the high school while she’s in class and at extracurricular events?
Okay, that last one was a bit extreme, but the others aren’t as far-fetched as you might think. I know a lot of parents who are privy to their teenagers’ every move, and while that may be okay for them, it’s not okay to me. I trust my daughter, and she deserves a little bit of privacy.
Yes, I am very well aware that teenagers do stupid things. They wind up in dumb situations and take risks they know we would not approve of. I was a teenager once. I remember.
As a mother I have done everything in power to ensure that my teenager knows what waits in the world for her. We’ve talked openly about drugs, sex and what hanging out with boys in their cars could result in. We joke about it sometimes, and while her laughter is not evidence that she’s not out there living the wild life, I can see it in her eyes.
Call me naive. Call me stupid. The thing is, I know I can’t protect her every waking moment of the day, no matter how much I would like to. Not only do I have to go to work so she can eat and put on clothing every day, I also have to sleep sometime, and occasionally I may need to use the facilities. I cannot watch her twenty-four hours a day, so I have to trust her to make informed decisions.
Even if we’ve done our best as mothers, talking openly with our children about dangers, risks and the unhappy circumstances that await us in the world, life happens. Giving them the short-leashed freedom of a little trust will not only relieve some of the tension in your relationship, it will also provide your kid with the decision-making tools they need to brave adulthood.
Granted, they are not always going to make the right decisions, but ask yourself this: do you? Everyone makes mistakes, so why would you expect any less from your teenager? Unfortunately, we can’t always fix the mistakes they make, and that’s an important life lesson they are going to carry with them long after they leave the nest.
It’s scary. Trust me. I know. They know nothing about life or decision-making, but how else will they learn?
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Great article, Jenny. Please email me this in 10 years when my boys are teens!
Good article and you are right. It is hard to watch every moment and folks want to protect their kids, always. Sometimes though, you have to trust them to be okay, and just as important, trust yourself. A little trust both ways makes the difference. Trust your self that you helped enabled them to make good decisions, then trust them to do so. If my kids did half of what I did, and my parents had no clue, I would die of worry. Hopefully, I was able to impart a little wisdom, it is the best anyone can do. Be involved, be aware, be there and it will be okay. Spot on with the article!