‘Dark Shadows’ Doesn’t Exactly Have Good Buzz
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: it’s a dark comedy directed by Tim Burton that stars Johnny Depp as a sullen and sarcastic hero with the quasi-British accent. Helena Bonham Carter plays a supporting female role.
Actually, don’t stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Put all your stopping effort into preventing Tim Burton and Johnny Depp from ever making another movie together. I really don’t think I can survive writing this article again.
I’ve been saying for years that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are the worst. I said it before Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and no one listened. I said it before Sweeney Todd and a few people listened. I said it before Alice in Wonderland and I finally started gaining some traction. I am saying it again now and it finally feels like the tide has turned. There is hope, at last.
Dark Shadows is the next film in Burton and Depp’s long line of cookie-cutter crapfests. I probably don’t need to say that it looks awful. It’s a complete joke of a movie and, finally, it seems like almost everyone knows it. The reviews are terrible. Here are some of the things that critics are saying, courtest of Rotten Tomatoes:
[Burton] fails on levels I wouldn’t have imagined possible.
How bad is “Dark Shadows”? It makes you long for a “Twilight” movie. That’s bad.
Can’t decide whether it’s a parody, a horror comedy, an atmospheric melodrama, or a tedious bucket of crap. Eventually it chooses the last one.
Yeah… that’s not exactly the kind of buzz you want your movie to have on opening day.
If there is any justice in this world–any mercy–this film will be the gigantic bomb that will end the terrible Burton-Depp reign on and for all. I implore you to do your part. Stay home. Watch Edward Scissorhands if you absolutely must satisfy your Burton-Depp craving. Whatever you do, do not pay money to watch Dark Shadows.
I don’t think I can survive writing this article again in a year.
