Five of the Most Unfortunate Sexy Halloween Costumes You Can Buy on eBay (PHOTOS)
Halloween is coming up, and if you’re like many women, you might be looking for a sexy costume to celebrate All Hallows Eve in. The nice thing about Halloween is that it provides the perfect excuse to be daring, show off a little skin, and slip into a more confident personality for a night. Because of this, the “sexy Halloween costume” has become ubiquitous. Every Halloween, without fail, we’re treated to a parade of sexy cops, Disney characters, animals, nuns, pirates, and countless others. Oh, and Slave Leia. Always Slave Leia.
The problem is, not everything is meant to be sexy. Basically, Rule 34 applies to sexy Halloween costumes as much as it does to porn – if you can think of it, you can probably buy a sexified version of it on eBay and wear it to the office Halloween Fun Fair. But just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.
Here are five of the most unfortunate sexy Halloween costumes you can buy on eBay:
The sexy cop is a sexy Halloween costume mainstay. It evokes authority and control and the taboo of the “lady in charge”, and it can be dressed up with all kinds of fun accessories. Most variations of the sexy cop include such impractical features as miniskirts, fishnet tights, and handcuffs that are clearly made of plastic (get it together, ladies – these are not even suitable for the bedroom, let alone the mean streets). But none are so impractical as this.
First off, that is not a police cap, it is obviously a vinyl train conductor hat (speaking of train conductors, that’s one thing you don’t see a lot of sexy versions of – someone get on that). Secondly, there is probably nothing further off from a police uniform than a very tight corset with bits of tulle sticking out the bottom of it. How do you intend to run in that, madam?
Wait, the corset says “police” on it? Oh, well then.
We get it. It’s Halloween! You want to show off some skin. But this doesn’t even make sense. Where are that woman’s boobs coming from? Why does her ribcage look like a demented spider? Did the designer just give up after the disappointment of the ribcage corset and decide to go with a decidedly un-skeleton-like miniskirt for the bottom half? If you wear this for Halloween, you are not even trying.
The ad describes this as a “big bad wolf” costume, but it is clearly a kangaroo or some other, indeterminate marsupial. And nothing’s surer to turn a guy on than a seeing a joey completing its postnatal development in your marsupium. Awww yeahhhh.
When most people think of clowns, they think of Krusty, Pennywise (the clown from It), and the bum who showed up at their sixth birthday party three beers deep and made everybody feel uncomfortable until their dad paid him to leave. They do not think of a woman whose neon orange wig they’d like to toss aside before having awkward, fumbling sex in the back seat of a Festiva after the Halloween Fun Fair.
Clowns are not sexy. Stop trying to make them sexy. Got it?
This is probably one of the least sexy things I’ve ever seen. The wings look like a kindergartener’s arts and crafts project, and the dress is only vaguely reminiscent of a lady bug. Although it is nice to see that Tan Mom was able to find herself some work after that whole meltdown at the drag club.
Edit: in the time it took me to write this article, some poor, unfortunate soul actually bought this.